The Science of Frenemies | Science of People
Ambivalent relationships cause the most emotional strain, take the most energy and are them, but would always rather be honest and give you real examples. strained definition: The definition of strained is forced, twisted or drained. ( adjective) An example of Ever since the fight our relation has been strained. Verb. strained definition: 1. If a relationship is strained, problems are spoiling it: 2. showing that someone is nervous or worried: 3. nervous, worried, or having.
But ambivalent relationships were more confusing. It made police officers have to constantly second guess, be on guard and grapple with wondering and worrying. We know we have to get rid of toxic relationships. We worry, grapple and second-guess ambivalent ones. This effects all areas of our life. In another study, adults rated their relationships with the ten most important people in their lives.
They also did two anxiety-provoking tasks: Deliver a speech with little time to prep Take a rapid fire math test The more ambivalent relationships a person had, the more their heart rates spiked on both tasks. Ambivalent relationships stress you out in all areas of your life. For example, toxic people usually show their toxicity with deal breakers, red flags and terrible aha moments: A frenemy is the ultimate ambivalent relationship.
I think there are three types…I also included some of my frenemies. I debated including them, but would always rather be honest and give you real examples. The Jealous Frenemy This is the most common type of frenemy—in fact jealous is often the emotion that flips friends into enemies. And it goes both ways… A colleague is jealous of a promotion. A wingman is jealous of your righteous ability to attract babes. Jealous is an insidious little beast.
It destroys trust, respect and admiration. I believe that it is almost impossible to have a healthy relationship where there is jealousy brewing. Either get over the jealousy, or get over the person. Oh there was this girl in High School who seemed to have it all. She was cool and fun and spontaneous the word every guy said he loved about her. I see her on Facebook and her life looks perfect.
But I have to admit, I am jealous. The Undermining Frenemy When you have an undermining frenemy you are constantly faced with challenges like this: You landed a new client! Should you tell them? You lost 5 pounds! Will they enable bad behavior if you go out to lunch? You want to invite some new friends over. Should you invite them? Undermining frenemies are usually great at passive aggressive comments, sarcastic tones and enabling your bad behavior.
A frenemy of mine runs a podcast and a lifestyle blog. He is always offering support and frequently calls to chat through business stuff. I always wonder—is he borrowing my ideas or taking them? When he brought me on his podcast he asked really hard borderline mean questions. Was he trying to actually be supportive and encouraging or was he actually undermining me?
These kinds of frenemies are the worst! Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me. My friend and I parted bitterly after being together, first in childhood as playmates and later as business partners aspiring to build an organisation and gain personal wealth. Though the event is now several years old, the memory and pain of parting still rankles.
As I examined the reasons for our breaking up I recognise that it happened because we believed each was attempting to upstage the other. What could have been resolved through dialogue was allowed to fester and finally tear us apart. The possibility of creating what could have been a winning combination was thus forsaken.
Yet it behoves each of us as human beings to prevent the spiraling down of relationships. Fostering relationships In my book Creating Winning Relationships through Conversations with Self, published by Notion Press, Chennai, I attempt to walk alongside each of my fellow human beings sharing with them through live examples of what relationships mean, as I have come to understand, what causes a tear in them, the challenges encountered and what each of us can possibly do to rebuild those that have faltered, enhance those that are already rich and functional and find and celebrate those that will heighten my existence.
There is a story I recall now many years after my father passed away and it gives me goose bumps. Often, a leper, a man disfigured by disease would come to our gate and ask for alms.
Initially I or my mother would give him some money, but soon we felt uncomfortable seeing him so we would drive him away. Yet he kept returning every other month.
Both my mother and I used to wonder why he was coming in spite of our not giving him any money and then we realised that my father would either directly or through our house help give generously to this man. Hence, he came back incessantly. Some years later my father, mother and I were visiting a very popular temple in Kerala, that was known to be busy and bustling with people. Gaining entry into the temple was not easy and one had to wait in a queue to get in. It was early morning when we were there in the temple and the crowd was surging.
We were looking to find someone to help us enter the temple, when my father felt someone tugging at his shirt sleeve. He looked around and saw the leper who used to come begging to our house, pulling at my father's shirt. My father greeted the man and the man in turn asked my father if we wanted entry into the temple. My father said yes and soon enough the leper in a loud voice started shouting and asking people to make way for him.
The crowd suddenly seemed repulsed and moved away from the leper as he led my family towards the temple door. Soon we gained access and before the crowd could re-converge we found ourselves within the confines of the temple.
We grow as human beings because of the relationships we nourish, foster - The Hindu BusinessLine
The leper merely smiled at us and disappeared into the crowd. As I recall the incident I realise that each of us, irrespective of the limitations we have, can contribute in our own way to fostering relationships. The incident of the gentleman who helped us enter the temple tells me relationships cannot distinguish between those who are infirm or disable and those who are well.
Generosity can be infectious SJ Rao was a sales officer with a manufacturer of aluminium which I bought from him as it was the principal raw material for the aluminium bottle closures I manufactured. On one occasion we needed some raw material very urgently.
The company manufacturing the raw material had declared closure of their plant owing to annual maintenance and the retail market in my city had no stock of the product. I met Rao one night past a sensible hour and pleaded with him to help me. Rao was indisposed running high temperature yet no sooner I made my request, unmindful of his illness he got out of his bed and got ready. He came with me in my car. We must have driven no less than 50 kilometers that night, reaching a small town on the outskirts of the metro I lived in.
He knocked at the door of an old home and we were met by an aging gentleman who at that hour seemed sleepy and quite disheveled. He met us at the door. He told me he was willing to part with it as Rao had always helped him in the past and he was only returning the favour. I learnt that night that generosity can truly be infectious and I have sometimes also paid forward, a lesson I learnt from Rao. He lost his father, a successful businessman, when he was 2 years old. As my friend's mother had no knowledge of the business, she left it in the care of a relative who swindled her and robbed her of her inheritance.
The mother and child suffered owing to lack of any means to keep body and soul together and moved into a neighbouring slum. Not wanting to deprive her son of a decent education, she took up employment simultaneously in 4 homes where she would go to wash vessels, sweep and clean their floors. Hard work afforded her the opportunity to send her son to school, later to college and finally to one of the country's best known institute of higher studies. When my friend was about 25 years old she even arranged for him to be married to an equally successful woman and soon owing to the acquired wealth the family settled into a wealthy residential locality.
My friend's mother passed away when my friend turned At the condolence meeting he organised in memory of his mother were present families of her former employers. In his speech my friend said these words as an offering to his mother, words that ring still in my ears after several months "As I stand before you I feel a sense of sadness, for instead of parading my mother I have hidden her all these years.
My mother toiled as a maid to feed and educate me but I neglected her. She often used to tell me that when she died she would ask God one question: Lord, have you made so many religions?
Would not just one have been enough to bind us to you? In life and in organisations we sometimes trample on people on our way up, even if we do it without awareness. Yet it is these same people that we meet as we spiral down.
Thus it is important to remember all those who have helped and supported us as we climb the ladder of success for when we hurtle down they will be there to cradle and support us.
Positive psychology Each of us has someone who we always remember for the positive manner they impacted us.