Here are 5 things extroverts can consider when dating introverts (or hoping to): “I am trying to respect my partner's need for solitude (or less socializing or quiet time). But maybe if you ask some questions, you'll start figuring out the middle. Many are rather shy and reserved to certain degrees. on lifestyle, writing and relationship topics and is a published author of inspirational. With dating, shy men and women come to the table with a minor disadvantage They wait for the other person to initiate conversation topics. If you're an outgoing or very confident person, you probably can't imagine meeting someone you.
I'm getting the "this guy is likely to stray" vibes from you and I really feel that you two should call it quits. After 10 years together, I've learned that if I need to socialize, a lot of that socialization is going to happen without my husband.
Shy or Outgoing? The Challenges With Dating Your Opposite
We have some mutual friends, but I have lots of friends that I see on my own. She's not gonna change. Is the above something that is okay with you? We do pretty well because--and this is key--my ideal life does not include an extroverted partner.
That's the problem here. Not her introversion, but the fact that your ideal life includes a partner who can be a social butterfly with you. I'm sorry this is so hard. Her experience, mindset, and preferences are valid.
She doesn't need fixing. What an extrovert like you needs to do in this situation is think through what you want and be realistic about whether this relationship can be that for you. It's okay if the answer is no. If the answer is yes, you need to figure out how to accept what you view as her limitations and not call her out on them or get upset about them. She has chosen to go with you, to do something you enjoy. If she was really, truly miserable at an event, I'm assuming she could leave.
Give her more permission to be be herself, and don't spend so much time monitoring her social engagement. By all mean, check in with her, make sure you talk to her and stand near her often in a social situation but don't obsess about how much she is talking.
Simply enjoy that she came to the event with you. I'm an introvert who was in a relationship for many years with an extrovert. He always had to be at every party and was always the last person to leave the bar at closing. Trying to keep up with him was exhausting for me. It worked well for a while when I could come and go as I pleased - go home before him and so on. However, things started to fall apart because he had no interest in the small dinners with friends that I wanted, and he also started to feel that I didn't "support" him enough socially.
On the other hand, I felt like he was a black hole of social need and nothing I did would ever be enough. It all ended badly, with him cheating with late night party girls, as permiechickie points out is a risk.
I guess they were more supportive? Learn how to direct the flow of conversation so that she has things to add, or comment on; figure out which of your friends she has the most in common with, attempt to get them talking. If this means finding people with whom she has things in common, and then essentially starting a conversation for them, do it.
Shy or Outgoing? The Challenges With Dating Your Opposite
I hate when people do this to me. I can get over my shyness once I've become comfortable somewhere or with a certain group of people, but if I'm left to myself right away I will miserable.
If she can handle hanging out in small groups, do that more often, or manufacture a situation in which people are more inclined to splinter into groups like this. I can feel a million kinds of awkward in someone else's home, but if I have people over it's like a base level of comfort that makes it easier to talk and interact.
She seems great for you in a lot of ways - awesome. She is never, ever going to be the social butterfly you think you want. That is what other people your friends are going to be for. Putting less emphasis on dragging her along everywhere you go might help you appreciate the times she is willing to come out and socialize.
This is a tricky dynamic to navigate, I would suggest giving it some time to see if it can work, but if you're having these same thoughts in, say, 6 months, it may be time to throw in the towel.
I also made some concessions with him, since I knew he'd only be willing to socialize for a few hours at most. I'd get dropped off at a party and enjoy myself for the busiest parts of the night, and then when things started to wind down I'd call him for a ride and he'd spend an hour in the drunk and funny-to-watch diminishing crowd, talking to the few sober people left, and then we'd leave. Knowing he only had to last an hour or so, he was a lot better with putting on a social persona as best as he could manage and when he was done we left.
Knowing about the party a few days in advance and knowing I'd only ask that of him that weekend, he was more willing to try and stretch his limits. He liked how proud and happy I was for him to make that effort for me. We didn't break up because of his introversion, but I am dating someone now who's far more extroverted than I am I had no idea that's possible!
And the shoe's on the other foot, I get worn out before he does in huge crowds of people I barely know. So I've applied what I learned from the ex, and it's been working for us.
Outgoing & Shy Personalities in Relationships | Our Everyday Life
We were to the point of nearly breaking up because I'm more introverted than he is. My job and school require most of my social energy, so when he wanted to go to another party where I'd know one or two people at best, I had a bit of a breakdown.
We spent a weekend talking about our different social needs, and we've readjusted, and have a lot of ways to accommodate each other. It does require both of us to compromise.
But we make it work because we love each other and want the other to be happy and comfortable. Here are some of the things we agreed on: We have a time limit on how long we're going to stay at parties.
Part of my dread of parties was that we'd go at eight and stay until four, and I just don't have that in me. So we agree on a time, and at that time I can say whether I stay or go.
If I want to leave, he doesn't have to; he usually does, though. He manipulates the heck out of me in the best way possible. He talks up individual people to me, and says how much they want to talk to me about X. He mentions that so-and-so is really looking forward to meeting me.
He steers conversations toward things that I care about. He gives me background on people so I can ask them about things. He makes it as easy as possible for me to talk with his friends. He's very attentive and inclusive when we're at parties together, so I don't ever feel like he's abandoned me. We have and use a rescue-me signal. We've started going to more activity-focused events - running groups, bowling parties, a giant treasure hunt.
I cope better with these.
If I'm getting pouty or tired, I take a walk. Sometimes I just need five minutes alone. He'll pick one or two social things a weekend that he'd really really really like me to attend, and the rest are optional. We formed new weekly outings with his friends.
There was something I didn't like about just joining in on his friends' weekly TV show viewings and game night and happy hour. He lets me be quiet when I want to be quiet we have a signal for that, too.
I've absolved him of all responsibility for me having a good time. I know that my SO has made a lot of accommodations for me. We're both making sacrifices, but not once has he asked me to change or not be myself.
He gives me a lot of positive feedback when I make an effort, and he also compliments me on my more introverted traits. You're not going to be able to change your girlfriend; the best you can do is to create an environment that puts up the fewest barriers to her sociability.
The keys have been understanding that it's perfectly OK with her to go do my own things and have fun without her. She doesn't mind and in fact likes having time to herself. In the beginning, it felt weird to me to do things without her. But now I can realize that she needs to recharge her batteries in quiet time, while I often recharge by doing new things and being out with people.
Sometimes she does the quiet thing, sometimes she's the life of the party. I've learned to accept it as her being her and not a reflection on me or something I need to manage. We have learned to be open about whether one of us wants to leave early or simply doesn't want to go somewhere. It's awkward at first to be honest and not so concerned about pleasing the other person, but it works out better in the long run. We tend to be OK letting the other one make decisions about our shared life.
For example, I used to get very worked up if she tried to plan a vacation without going over all the details with me first. Now she'll say, "Since we agreed to go on vacation this summer, I bought the plane tickets today. In the end it really doesn't matter, but in the past it would make me crazy. If you can get OK with giving up some control in the relationship, it will work out great.
Among other things, you wrote, "Ideally, I'd have a mate who's EVERY relationship is like that! I don't think you should bail on this relationship if your main complaint is that she hates attending larger social funtions. You two seem to be compatible on the "big" issues. YOU need to change your mindset, and just figure out how to deal with her introversion. Mainly it will probably mean "letting go" of a need that you seem to have for her to be a particular way, and accept her as she is.
Outgoing & Shy Personalities in Relationships
Unlike others here, I'm not alarmed by your thoughts of dating other people or wincing a little when she mentions your long-term future.
You are just fantasizing in response to the conflicts you're experiencing in your mind. My attitude is, go ahead and play out all kinds of scenarios in your head I do all the time!
Just don't believe them. It sounds trite, but just try to always "count your blessings" when your thoughts turn negative, keep your mouth shut when in doubt, and ALWAYS treat her with the same level of courtesy and respect that you'd treat a work colleague - - and over time you will get used to it, and you will know acceptance. Even in a group of people I know well, I can only tolerate so much togetherness before I have to go.
My friends seem to accept that I'm the first to leave every party and that it has nothing to do with them, it's just that I have only so much energy for groups. I've stopped seeing this as a flaw. It's a whole bundle of characteristics including strengths and weaknesses.
Things that help me are people gently bringing me into the conversation, giving me openers, making me feel welcome. Structure helps - a group project or a game like Trivial Pursuit or Apples to Apples gives me something to do and makes it easier to talk and participate. It might also help for you to introduce her to your friends in very small groups. If she generally meets them in giant parties, that could explain why she is still uncomfortable with them. It might also help if you can compromise - she goes to one larger outing a month with you, the rest of the time she gets to do her thing.
Our best couple friends are the reverse -- he is very extroverted, she is very very! I will call my husband Hubs, and our friends Joe and Jane. I think it's harder for Joe than it is for me, because when you're married and in your 30s, wives are expected to be social directors and more of the socializing occurs through the wife maintaining the network of friendships and community relationships.
Another of our couple friends, where my husband sees the man literally every day and I only see the wife every couple of weeks, the men decided we should all have dinner together, and then they decided, "Let's tell our wives to set it up. Anyway, Jane is not, and never will be, a social director.
Jane is SO shy it took me 18 months to convince her to come get a pedicure with me, even though she liked me. Joe has to do all the work to maintain their network of relationships -- and that gets harder as people start to have kids, etc.
Moms network with other moms. I have the experience of going with my husband to a party and having to either leave him sitting like a lump to hold up the wall, or squire him around nursing the conversation along. Neither was very much fun. Sometimes it's easier to go by yourself and not have to "babysit" your introvert. But here's the thing: As I've gotten older my husband and I have been together since our early 20sI've realized that my husband is perfectly happy sitting and watching the party.
He doesn't NEED me to babysit him. He finds himself a quiet corner and hangs out. People we know know that he's more quiet in social situations, and plenty of them will now go seek him out to chat for a few minutes when they need a party break -- but they mostly know he's unlikely to initiate a conversation at a party unless he has something he specifically wants to say.
Neither of them is ever going to work the room.How to flirt with a SHY GIRL & get her to open up
Joe and I are the ones who pull friends into our orbits. Most of my husband's friends are also my good friends because I'm just more sociable. If it's important to you that you have a partner who can introduce you to more people and be the life of the party, then no, I don't think this relationship will work.
I also think that it's harder for an extroverted man to be with an introverted woman than vice versa because of social expectations for couples as you age. I guess how we deal with it is that it's just not that big a deal. I find my husband a restful person most of the time who's less frenetic than I am, socially, and it helps keep me grounded. I appreciate that about him, I don't resent it; and as I've gotten older and a bit more mature, I've realized that's part and parcel of the same thing that has him be not super-chatty at parties -- which isn't hurting anybody.
And I can be social enough for the both of us. Introverts can be difficult to know well because they allow very few inside their inner circles. Many are rather shy and reserved to certain degrees. Gaining their trust and getting them to communicate on a regular basis or go out often are just a few because interacting with others can be very draining. Extroverts These folks love social interaction and crave the energy received from being with others.
They feel restless being alone. They love to date, party, connect with others and are always full of energy. Most I know are morning people because they have lots to do and not enough time to do it. Extroverts are oftentimes ones with big families and are much more open to marriage and new friendships. They adapt easily to given situations and are particularly influenced by objects and events in the external world. Some extroverts can be loud talkers and love having their voices heard.
From a professional level, extroverts can be good leaders and can manage people well. If you always want to be out and about while your partner seems to avoid socializing whenever possible, you might assume your partner is shy and needs help overcoming anxiety in social situations. However, the problem may not be shyness at all, but the basic personality difference between introverts and extroverts.
Introversion and Extroversion Some people prefer to always be where the action is, surrounded by bright lights and sparkling conversation.
Others would prefer to stay home with a good book or a video and may even find busy social events to be upsetting and difficult. Extroverts are the opposite of introverts. They find social interactions stimulating, but solitude is difficult for them.